I published this one in 2020 and I think it’s still a fave. So I’m sharing it again because as soon as July 4th hit, everyone lost their everloving mind and lept straight into fall with pumpkins. Where’s the fire? Oh wait. It’s coming from the surface of the sun because it’s JULY. I almost had a heat stroke at the Coldplay concert this week, so I’m here for the cooler weather. But you can pry summer from my cold dead fingers, because there will never be a rush in my world.
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Attention everyone. This is your PSA for the year.
It’s simple, really. Let’s keep August {Even July!} in the summer. It happens earlier every year. STOP.
Before we begin, I’ll acknowledge that I’m most definitely alone on this one. Maybe. Hopefully not. But it’s time for a fall intervention. Someone has to do it. Someone has to speak up for the sake of the people and all things rational. We all have our places in the world. Mine is to call out bad font usage and take various petty issues to a rant because those are also important for a little tongue-in-cheek.
I’m asking that August be kept where it belongs, in the summer. No pumpkins. Down with the scarves.
It’s not time yet. I know you’re probably reaching for those pitchforks. Hear me out.
Fall does not include August {or July!?} anywhere in America. Anywhere. Unless you live in Australia and it’s winter right now, stop including August in the fall. You know that guy who holds up cardboard signs? I’m him. Mine would say, “Stop making fall begin in August”. I get that we’re excited, and I am too. I LONG for cooler weather this year, camping, and s’mores by the fire. But stop skipping blatantly to the next season without just being in this one for a little while longer.
I feel this way every year, and I finally realized why. I love summer. I want to stretch it out. There’s something sad to me about turning the page into the next school year and I’m just never ready for my kids to grow up a little more. I also love fall. I want it to arrive when it arrives. Social media has a way of making things feel so rushed.
Didn’t we get about three months of summer in the 80’s? I feel like we went from June to August, and then school began in September. Like the good Lorwdt intended. I’m just furthering my argument by pointing out the retro calendar: I remember August in it’s rightful place, as a part of actual summer. We were also sent outside to disappear for hours on end a-la these magical things called bicycles, and told to drink from the hose. Twinkies were a legit snack, amirite? Perhaps I’m no longer helping my argument, since the eighties tended to gloss over child neglect.
Please keep August in the SUMMER where it’s supposed to be.
That means you, Janice. We don’t want to see your pumpkin-laden porch with your plaid throw gently draped over your cracker barrel rocking chair paired with an innocent (let’s admit, it pushes the envelope on creepy) looking scarecrow a-la your fall tour on Instagram, drowning in multicolored mums. It’s GAWGEOUS. But we all know that a $350 Home Depot investment is going to die in two weeks because it’s still buttsweat degrees outside, I almost had a heat stroke yesterday, and drinking a pumpkin spice latte gives me the voms right now.
I’m so excited too, but it’s just not fall’s time yet.
Side rant, but can these weird hats not be in style either? Can we at least band together and make this finally go away? You know, the one that makes you look like a confused pilgrim? Floppy ones are okay, but the brims are scary short, and it’s taken the overdone Nashville privilege chic look up a notch. Are you leading a legion of lost souls into the underworld after sucking Carol Ann into the closet away from her fam, or are you going to Target to retrieve your pumpkin spice latte and shop the latest from the Magnolia collection? I’ll join you for the shopping because I rather enjoy being basic, but let’s lose the hat. Alas, I digress.
There. He just went from creepy daymon cult leader to cozy grandma featured in BHG and if you don’t know this quintessential {horrible} sequel you’re probs better off, but what even was your childhood? It was also Twinkies absent, I’ll tell ya that much.
Follow me for more fall capsule wardrobe ideas.
So enough with the gloved hands and boot selfie on the local farm after a hay ride as soon as it turns August 1. I’ve got a heat rash from my perpetual boob sweat. I know that we’re all excited, but you can’t force cooler weather, so please don’t shove it down my throat via social media. Just let the season do what it will. IN OCTOBER. When it’s time. September is perfectly fine as well.
Let’s just stay in the summer for now.
Sprinkled freckles across sun-kissed cheeks. Final swim days. Fireflies. Bike rides. Ice cream trucks. Lemonade.
Twinkies.
Alright, enough with the Twinkies already. July 4th came and it’s already pumpkin season apparently?
This is how I felt when a pumpkin-saturated porch photo jumped out and assaulted me in my Instagram right after July 4th. In the ever-wise words of T. Swift, “You need to calm down”. I’m all for you doing you, until you broach my font ethics and hijack the seasons in my insta feed. Or dress like a demon reverend mated with BHG and it’s still like, 99 degrees outside. #OFFENDED
So, just a few suggestions, and I will leave you in peace.
Stop skipping to the next season. The fleeting moment that is our offspring’s childhood, which we’re always complaining about, might actually seem to last longer if we chill and relish.
August {and JULY because it happens earlier every year and it’s kinda gross} is in the summer. Someone needs to stop trying to shove it straight into a premature fall. If Jason + Michael Myers came after us with their masks, they’d die of heat stroke. And then come back to life once you thought you’d killed them off. Pumpkins are rotting on porches, y’all. Can we add a national swim day to August or something? If you MUST have your Christmas Tree up in September, can ya keep it to yourself at least until November? Give me my spooky holiday first. Then the thankful one. There’s something about the anticipation and taking your time with it all… that makes it fun.
Let’s just enjoy where we are.
Let’s compromise. Do they make Iced pumpkin spice lattes? Trucker hat versions of the Nashvegas privilege hat in mesh form? Will that suffice until September? This has been a fall intervention. There are bigger problems in the world, but it feels good to get this one off my chest. The leather seats in our car are still ripping off the first layer of flesh on the backs of our legs when we crawl into the oven that is our vehicle, so stop it with the mums already.
I’m here for cooler weather just like the rest of us, but let’s just all let it happen in it’s own time.
It’s on in September. Just give me SUMMER.
Please and Thank you. Over and out.
::Dear Janice – It’s not your fault. I felt like Karen needed a break because I actually like all the Karens I know IRL. And I know like two of them – they’re super nice. Is there a better name? Felicia? Debra? Alexis? And also if you must have a scarecrow, give him your confused pilgrim hat. It really ups the spooky fall vibes, which I’m super excited about IN SEPTEMBER. Thanks::
Because disclaimers are always {unfortunately} necessary: This is tongue-in-cheek. If you want to put up your Christmas tree right now, please, for the love, go for it. You do you. Joy and other various whatnots. We’re guilty of rushing the seasons ourselves, because of the hazards of the job. Just know that we also hate it, because, well, hazards of the job.
HAPPY SUMMER.
